From High School to College

From High School to College
http://www.aimhightutors.com

Q: Our daughter, Janelle, is leaving for college on the east coast this week. We were so proud when she was accepted but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm questioning whether or not she is mature enough to live on her own, especially so far away from home. I'm also worried about drug and alcohol use at the school. Drugs or alcohol haven't been a problem in the past but I know that some teens that go away to college use drugs there even though they wouldn't do that at home. Janelle seems excited about college and assures me that everything will be okay but I'm considering asking her to stay home and go to school locally.
A: Sending your teen off to college evokes a myriad of competing emotions, joy and sadness, anticipation and fear, connectedness and loneliness. Parents are challenged with the responsibility to manage their own emotions effectively so as not to intrude upon their teens' moment in the sun.

Parents who have experienced the joy and pain you now feel as Janelle leaves for college will empathize with your situation. It is only natural to feel pangs of loss as Janelle's departure signals a sea-change in the life of your family. Your daughter is moving on to the next stage of her life, one that will involve less parental control. It is difficult, indeed, to relinquish the day-to-day oversight you have become accustomed to especially as your daughter enters into an environment that may not reflect the values of your home.

Reassurance can come from reflecting upon the values and beliefs you have instilled in Janelle throughout her youth. Those values and beliefs likely will be challenged while she is at college, but they also likely will not be forgotten or abandoned. When she returns for Thanksgiving or Christmas break, you will have a wonderful opportunity to witness Janelle's maturation.

Janelle will most benefit if you focus less (at least outwardly) upon your own emotional state and more upon attending to her needs at this time. Janelle is likely having similar ambivalent feelings and secret fears. Focus upon building her up, reassuring her that you have confidence in not only her academic abilities, but also in her ability to make good choices for her life. As it is now, Janelle is acting as the parent, reassuring you that you can handle life without her.

Express your sadness, worry, and fears privately between yourselves, leaving Janelle out of that discussion. This is an opportunity for the two of you to strengthen your communication and marital bond. It will be much more constructive for you to focus upon your relationship rather than to pine away for Janelle.

Attempting to convince Janelle to abandon her dream of going away to the college you were once proud she would attend, would only lead to years of resentment.

Dr. Paul Fick
http://www.southcountypsychotherapy.com
 posted by Jane