Q and A with Dr. Paul Fick

Q: Communicating with our son has become very difficult. He isn't disrespectful and doesn't swear at us. But, he just doesn't talk with us much. When he is home, he stays in his room and rarely comes out to be with us. This has been going on for several months now. We're worried that something is bothering him but when we ask him if something is wrong he tells us to stop questioning him. How can we get him to start talking with us again?

A: Some parents find a lack of communication to be more frustrating than overt conflict with their teen. It is difficult to resolve a problem when you can't find the words to discuss it.

While it is not unusual for teens to enjoy considerable time in the privacy of their rooms, your son seems to have taken this to the extreme. Since you have a hunch that something may be troubling him, you are wise not to wait for the end of winter for his hibernation to end. Perhaps there are ways to lure him out of his cave and get the communication restarted.

You mentioned that your son responds to your questioning by telling you to stop asking questions. Rather than allow his rebuff to stop the conversation, use it as a way to encourage discussion. For example you could say, “I don't know how to talk with you without asking a question. Help me out a bit. I want to be able to talk better with you.” This will signal to your son that you respect him and are willing to end what seems like an inquisition to him.

Be prepared for the possibility that something may indeed be bothering him. If he starts to open up about something, don't panic. Often, parents want their children to have an idyllic existence, free from life's problems. Teens sense that and “protect” their parents by withholding communication about their struggles.

So, if your son tells you that he's having a difficulty, do not satisfy your anxiety by lecturing him with information or rushing to provide him with solutions. Instead, talk with him about his thoughts, feelings, values, and things he's tried to solve the problem. Then, express your concern and let him know that you have some additional potential solutions to his problem if he is interested in hearing them.

Recognizing that the communication has been strained for several months, don't expect your son to be entirely forthcoming initially. He might fear consequences if he tells you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Do not accuse him of lying even if it is painfully obvious that the story is incomplete. Allow time for the rift in communication to heal.
 posted by Jane