Parents are getting a lesson in how--and why--to say 'No'
Do you kids suffer from discipline deficit disorder? (Hint: Symptoms include 'the gimmes' and a 'me first' attitude.) If you can't say 'No' and stick to your guns, chances are they do, says psychologist David Walsh, whose recent book about the complaint has--to his shock--launched a burgeoning grass-roots movement to stamp it out. In Minnesota, Walsh's home state, a "Say Yes to No" coalition of educators and PTA parents sent "tool kits" touting the book (No: Why Kids—of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It) to 2,500 principals before school began last week. Their next goal is to get it on the reading list of every child-tending grown-up in the state, sparking a sharing of war stories about how to tame "I want" behavior.
Walsh says he's "overwhelmed" at the response, which inspired a rush to paperback four months ahead of schedule and a packed calendar of speaking engagements. School principals from Indiana, South Carolina, and several other states are getting set to work No into teacher training sessions. And at an annual gathering in October, more than 1,000 Boy Scout troop leaders from Minnesota and Wisconsin will be offered workshops on the guide, which equips grown-ups with sample dialogues for beating back all kinds of challenges. "It's just such a readable, common-sense approach to raising self-reliant children," says Joann Knuth, executive director of the Minnesota Association of Secondary School Principals.
Shared struggle. The child-parent struggle is older than the "my dog ate my homework" excuse, of course. But it's exacerbated, says No, by 45 hours or so of screen time each week that plug "more, easy, fast, and fun" and by harried working parents' craving for harmony when they're home. "Large corporations trying to market to kids don't make money off delayed gratification," says Angela Duckworth, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and mother of two youngsters. And given that everyone else's parents allow a later curfew and violent video games, "there's fear you're going to say no and your child will turn against you," says Rosie Loeffler-Kemp of Duluth, president of the Minnesota State Parent Teacher Association and mother of four. When parents read the book and see that this is a shared struggle, she believes, they'll gain the necessary courage to convey their family values and set limits.
The payoff, says Walsh: kids with the ability to say "No" to themselves, plus patience, good judgment, and the cool to move on—without a meltdown—when they don't get three desserts or an unchaperoned weekend at the beach. "How is it that [children have] a sense of who they are, what they can do, and what the world is about?" asks Madeline Levine, psychologist and author of The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. "They get that by internalizing parental prohibitions," she says.
A related urge that parents are taught to squelch is the desire to intervene with a quick fix for every tough assignment or disappointment. A student who misses the year-end spelling prize because he chose not to study has an opportunity to develop thicker skin and learn an important lesson in self-discipline, for example—but not if Mom calls up to berate the teacher. "Parent involvement is critical, but I don't see them wanting to let their kids experience consequences," says Kim Westra, a fourth-grade teacher at Salem Hills Elementary in Inver Grove Heights, Minn., who makes independent work a huge focus in her classroom. Research published by Duckworth hints at one price. Self-discipline, she found, was a better predictor of academic success in eighth graders than IQ, measured by such factors as final grades, attendance, standardized test scores, and success at getting into a selective high school program.
Understanding the rationale for standing firm doesn't necessarily make parenting choices easier. Westra and her husband, long proponents of the no-cable, bare-bones approach to television, have been deliberating whether or not to give in as their daughter approaches the social preteen years. "Does it take that big, huge plasma TV to get the kids over?" Westra wonders. The resounding response from parents of teenagers she has polled: Yes.
EASING THE PAIN Putting your foot down firmly can hurt you as well as the kids. Here are a few ways to make "No!" less agonizing for everyone:
Be realistic. If you learn about child development, you'll set expectations kids can meet.
Be consistent. When the lines you draw keep moving, anger and resistance are bound to result.
Demonstrate. Saying "No" will be less of an issue if you model the generosity and patience you value.
Don't accept rudeness. Table the discussion if a child's language or actions are discourteous.
Partner with the teacher. Ask about expectations, and reinforce them to the extent that you can.
When my daughter went away to college I sent he 'care packages' at different holidays, before tests, etc. It's always fun to get something in the mail these days, and especially fun when your roommates are envious! Care boxes can go a long way toward smoothing and soothing the ups and downs of college life. By CHANTAL LAMERS The Orange County Register
Nothing evokes envy among college students like a care package sent from home. But not every care package is created equal. Although you can satisfy a poor, homesick college student with just about any handouts, there are essential components to putting together the perfect college survival kit. Here's what we're talking about: College students love free food, so supplementing your package with a dozen of mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies can help soothe an ache for home.
We put together a list of items to help keep students healthy, organized and entertained while they're away from the nest. (Not to mention make them appreciate you a little more.)
Biodegradable cornstarch utensils are $2.75 for a package of 50 at www.WorldCentric.com Keep your college students in clean underwear by providing a roll of quarters for the Laundromat. A first aid mini-kit is small enough to be dorm-friendly yet full enough to soothe a finger cut (from writing all those term papers) or toe blister (from trudging about the sprawling campus). Include Airborne, which is said to help ward off the flu, and tiny packages of tissues and pain reliever in case it doesn't.
With roommates coming and going at all hours, a sleep mask and ear plugs will help boost quality REM time.
Provide blank cards and stamps with a note listing upcoming birthdays and anniversaries. Keep your students prepped for anything by including travel sizes of Oxi Clean, Downy Wrinkle Releaser, Krazy Glue and a set of pre-threaded sewing needles.
Stock them with necessities such as face wash, lip balm, mascara, razors and at least one new toothbrush.
You can dissuade your college students from staying out by giving them a reason to stay in: UNO, DVDs and popcorn.
Students will have extra incentive to stay organized with a flash drive, funny magnets and extra print cartridges. posted by Jane0 comments
What her son wants in his care package speaks volumes. By: Teryl Zarnow They say you can tell a lot about a woman by what she carries inside her purse. You can also probably tell a lot about your child by what he requests inside his care packages.
A new pair of flip-flops was the first thing our son wanted. He is posted through the Peace Corps in Ukraine where apparently flip-flops are a rare commodity.
"Keep the flip-flop that didn't blow out," I instruct after I buy him a new pair of rubber sandals. They were made in China, then imported to the U.S., so that I could spend more than the purchase price to export them to Ukraine.
I can tell that although my 23-year-old might not be able to shower regularly, he is still concerned with hygiene. He asked for toothpaste, floss, razors and deodorant. He also wants envelopes and a pad of paper.
Clearly, he is in a country where you cannot take American necessities for granted. The trolley tickets, he tells me, are softer than the local toilet paper.
He is not complaining, however. This is my child who was never confined in a playpen. He still thinks of borders as something to cross and the world as an extended neighborhood.
He tells me there used to be only three radio stations, all of them run by the state. One morning he listened to "Mary Poppins" in Russian. The state now, of course, is a democracy with a few leftover Stalinist statues decorating parks. The government dukes out its disagreements in the courts. Ukrainians celebrate their past military victories with vodka toasts at breakfast and parades after lunch. My son likes that.
His apartment sounds like the remnant of a communist housing project. He is happy to have it, despite the joy of lugging his belongings up six flights of stairs in the summer heat. The Peace Corps, always concerned for his welfare, has issued him a first-aid kit, fire extinguisher and space heater. He lugs these up the stairs as well.
Things tend to go awry in Ukraine. Our son was locked inside an apartment with his host family when the deadbolt fell off the door. They were liberated five hours later. The water unaccountably stops for several hours before running once again. Each time we call, we are informed our son's phone number does not exist. Somehow, we must dial three times before the exchange gives in and connects our call.
I cannot begin to fathom my son's experience.
He was somber when he said good-bye seven months ago, recognizing the depth of a two-year-commitment. He shares pictures of our house, and he tells me Ukrainian women marvel at how young I look. My life is easier.
Our son is upbeat, busy and excited by his various community projects. He has learned enough Russian to carry on a conversation with the taxi driver and, once, even to argue.
"This woman and I were shouting at each other," he recounts, "and while it was happening, part of me was amazed that I was shouting in Russian."
I cannot even begin to imagine what else he is learning. Everyone says these are experiences that will shape his life forever.
Our son left home bright, inquisitive and eager to discover the world. He will be different when eventually he comes home – but somehow I'm sure I will recognize him. posted by Jane0 comments
September marks the start of the school season nationwide. As students head back to school, many will find that they experienced "Brain Drain" over their summer break. Whether or not you called this phenomenon "Brain Drain" or not, we're sure you experienced it as a student.
Remember the harsh reality of returning to school after a seemingly endless summer and realizing you forgot everything from the year before! Fear not – AimHighTutors.com offers students an instant connection to a professional tutor when they get stuck. With math, science, social studies and English tutors available 7 days a week, your students can get the help they need now that school has started. posted by Jane0 comments
After-school activities are seductive. They are promoted in their most attractive light whipping your child into their groups with a boundless enthusiasm that this is the best possible use of their time. Peer pressure adds to this, your child wants to do band because his best friend is, and all the cool kids play football, and he wants to go to the swimming club, and so on. It's all very exciting. New stuff, new team members, but reality will soon set in as with each uniform/equipment list comes the schedule for the semester that shows how little time for a real life outside of school your child will have.
You have two options here, you can accept the schedules as you silently count up the amount of quality time you'll have with your child, wonder if you'll ever get to talk to them outside of the car, and worry about when their homework is going to get done. Or you can take the schedules, and discuss them with your child.
It's not going to make you popular parent of the year if you make your child choose one or two after school activities from the original four or five they'd planned, but unfortunately, as good as being popular with your child makes you feel, parenting isn't about being popular. It's about doing what's best for your child at a time in their life when they aren't able to separate desire from feasible. Allowing your child to do the four or five activities may make them happy in the short-term, but by the time they've spent a couple of months not having time to breathe, let alone play on their computer, they're going to start feeling overloaded and noone is going to be happy in the home until some kind of a compromise on time management and after school activities is reached.
An ideal solution is to have no more than two or three school nights with one after school activity. If there's a weekend implication – as with many sporting activities which have practice through the week and games on Saturday or Sunday – then there should be no more than two nights involved. This way, your child will get at least two nights at home to catch up with family time, focus on their homework and connect to their siblings and outside of school friends instead of constantly rushing from activity until the next from morning until bedtime every day.
Try to choose the activities that won't conflict with scheduling, and which will allow your child to develop a broader skill base – for example playing a musical instrument plus a sport. If your child isn't happy with the situation, offer to negotiate. If they do the two activities now, and they keep up their grades, and they still feel they have time to take on a third activity come the following semester, then you'll consider it. That way you aren't closing the door on what they want to do, but you are putting some unsaid ground rules into play. It's very possible that by the time the first semester ends that your child will have either lost interest in one of the activities they start with, or one that they had on their wish-list, or that they can see how little time they'd have for other things if they had to commit more after school time to another activity. If they still feel strongly about a third activity however, and they've maintained their grade level, then you could commit to a third activity on a trial basis – one that is only one night and no weekend commitment if there's already a weekend commitment – to see how it goes with the condition that if you think their health or grades are suffering, they'll have to stop.
After-school activities are a great way for children to network and develop new skills, but they can be demanding on both time and energy. You know your child better than anyone, including them, so even if your child refuses to talk to you for a week, at least you'll be sure that you aren't allowing them to overload their lives with activities that can have a negative impact on their health, family life, and education. posted by Jane0 comments
The idea that you can learn while asleep lives at websites like sleeplearning.com and hypnotictapes.com Not so, says Harvard sleep researcher Robert Stickgold: "The only time listening to tapes at night will help you is if they wake you up." But, he says, there's evidence that if you learn something today and sleep eight hours tonight, you'll retain it better tomorrow--and beyond. That's a wake-up call. posted by Jane0 comments
This is an excerpt from the Reader's Digest -- Letters on the April Issue I read with empathy about Martha Randolph Carr's coming to terms with her son's dyslexia (Turning the Page). My son was diagnosed with severe dyslexia when he was in second grade. We refused to give up on him, even though we were told he'd never learn to read or write. The special education program at his elementary school was wonderful and with a lot of effort and prayer, he began to read in the fifth grade. He graduated last year with an 86 GPA. He's enrolled in a technical college, where he was inducted into the honor society. Parents, please don't deny your child's disability. If it weren't for the labeling my son received, I don't know where he'd be right now. Instead, he's a self-confident, talented individual. His disability just makes him all the more special to us. Submitted by: Ann Ashworth... Royston, Georgia posted by Jane0 comments
It's a new school year. Your child is in a new homeroom with a new homeroom teacher who faces a classroom filled with students she doesn't know. How do you get the teacher to positively set your child apart in her mind? Well the best way is through some genuine appreciation for what she does! A teacher's job is often not one full of rewarding experiences. In a time when students are expected to achieve high standards for the school, and yet the teachers are not given anywhere near the resource allocation they need to deliver teaching, the teachers often have to depend on parents for both time and financial support. They also spend a lot of additional hours planning their curriculum, and use their own money to finance interesting projects that will get their students enthusiastic about what they're learning. This additional effort is still often unappreciated by either the school, or the students – but if your child's teacher is going that extra mile, then it shouldn't go unappreciated by you. It doesn't require big gestures of expensive floral arrangements, or even flowery letters of thanks. At the beginning of the school year make sure that you take the time to introduce yourself to the teacher, identify which of the children is yours, and tell them that you will support your child's learning experience anyway you can. Back this up by committing to at least one request that the teacher makes for help during each semester. An occasional note to say how much you appreciate the extra time she spent ensuring that your child learned an important grammar rule or that you've noticed a positive change in your child's attitude to school since they joined her class is a way of keeping the communication between you open. You could accompany the note with a box of home baked cookies if you have some ready. At the end of the semester, send a thank you card to the teacher for her efforts with your son throughout the year and accompany this with a small amount gift certificate for a local coffee shop or gift store. It's not the amount that's important, it's the fact that you care enough about her work that you've taken the time to do this. The result of your appreciating the teacher is that even though she won't single your child out from the others, she will take more interest in his progression and will learn more about him and in doing so will be able to find ways to make his learning experience with her even more positive. She may even turn a blind eye to occasional behavioral misconduct! Be careful not to cross the thin line between appreciation and what could be termed as either insincerity or even bribery! Teachers are used to parents who want to single out their child for special attention. They know this isn't about them, but rather about their parent's desire for their child to be better cared for than the others! Keep your appreciation genuine, never request special treatment, and never ask her to overlook something or to inflate a grade. Whenever you talk to her, remember to ask how she is, and wishing her a nice evening or weekend is going to leave a far better impression of you (and as a consequence your child) than effusive praise for her extraordinary ability to teach! Teachers are people too. Remember that, and show occasional appropriate appreciation, and you'll be able to enhance your child's learning experience in her class. At the beginning of the next school year, remember to start the process all over again with the next teacher your child comes into contact with!
If you haven't already planned for emergencies, especially in our state - earthquakes....now is the time! First, have a family meeting bring everyone together to talk about to do in a disaster like a hurricane, earthquake, power outage, tornado, fire, snowstorm or volcano. Invite everyone to the meeting, even your pets!
Check out your home base:
Know where to find all your safety stuff, like the fire extinguisher and flashlight.
Make sure all the smoke alarms are working.
Make a plan to get everyone out of your home. Better yet, find two ways out of your house.
Decide on a meeting place:
Figure out where to meet up with everyone at a place4 that is close to your home (like a park or friend's house).
Also, choose an easy-to-find location outside your neighborhood in case you can't get home from soccer practice or school.
Have a Call List:
Choose an out-of-town contact to call if an emergency happens, like Uncle Paul or Aunt Phoebe.
Keep a list of the family's contact numbers and meeting places in your backpack.
