Q and A with Dr. Paul Fick

Q: For the past two months, my sixteen-year-old daughter has been spending nearly every waking moment with her boyfriend or talking to him on her cell phone late at night. He is the first “real” boyfriend she has had. He seems like a very nice boy so I understand her excitement. She is doing well in school but her friendships have suffered. Her father who lives nearby is just as concerned as I am so I don't think I'm overreacting. What can we do to help her see that she is overdoing it?

A: It is important to draw a distinction between the infatuation of a “first love” and the potential dangers inherent to teens caught in the web of a controlling, abusive relationship. Parents concerned that their teens are involved in the latter form of relationship should read Dr. Jill Murray's book, But I Love Him , for more information.

You described your daughter's boyfriend as a “very nice boy” and did not run up any red flags that would indicate an abusive relationship. Therefore, I'll assume she is involved in a mutually respectful relationship, albeit one that she is overdoing. As with most parenting dilemmas, this situation is best viewed as an opportunity, not a crisis.

Seize this moment to discuss with your daughter the importance of balance in her life. We all know how great it feels to be head over heels for someone. But, a sixteen-year-old girl benefits from having a complement of friends, attention to schoolwork, family time, exercise, religion, free time, and a host of other activities. Spending too much time with a boyfriend means that she is neglecting many of these other important activities. Your daughter may face a harsh consequence when she breaks up with her boyfriend only to find that her friends are unforgiving for the way she snubbed them.

This is also a wonderful opportunity for you to reassert some degree of management over your household. I am struck by the way you blame your daughter for spending an inordinate amount of time with her boyfriend and for her excessive late night cell phone conversations. This is every bit as much your fault as hers.

Establish a reasonable number of days per week that she can date, a sensible curfew, and a cutoff time for phone calls. If she complains, tell her that you are trying to teach her how to manage her life in a more balanced fashion. Be willing to be flexible for special occasions.

This may also be an opportunity for you to discuss with your daughter the impact of the past upon her present behavior. Your daughter's dependency may be the result of unresolved feelings from your apparent divorce. Girls who have “lost” their dads often attempt to satisfy their pain by seeking love from another man. It would be wise to involve dad in these discussions with your daughter. After all, you really don't want a teenage boy filling that role, do you?
 posted by Jane