Q and A with Dr. Paul Fick

Q: Our son has been anxiously waiting for acceptance letters from various colleges where he applied. Despite being an A student with pretty good SAT scores, he was rejected by UCLA, which was his first choice. He said it didn't bother him although it was apparent that he was very disappointed. Now we are becoming nervous wrecks. We check the mailbox daily hoping for acceptance letters from his other top school choices. What can we do to help him get through this?

A: College application time is a golden opportunity for parents to connect with their teens. It is a time to hear their dreams and to help them clarify their own identity. It is a time to establish an intimate bond by sharing in their joy when the mailbox is jammed with the “big envelope” and their sadness when the “little envelope” blends with the bills and the junk mail. There are ample moments to teach the importance of identifying and expressing the emotions inherent to acceptance and rejection. You can possibly even squeeze in a lesson or two to reinforce your family's values that you first started teaching your child when college seemed light years away. And, you can help your teen by remembering that this is your teen's moment, not yours.

South County teens, surrounded by affluence, often have been insulated from major life disappointments, and operate with a confident assumption of success. Their dreams are often big dreams, in line with the realities that they have come to know in their youth.

For many, those dreams are realized as they gain acceptance to the schools of their choice. For others, many of whom are very talented students, college application time provides an initial glimpse at life's harshness. Their dreams don't need to be abandoned, just amended.

Your son's denial of his disappointment need not be challenged directly. After all, he just received a blow to his ego that has him questioning his worth. Never mind that the college selection process is unbelievably competitive. To your son, this is about him not being worthy. When we feel that way, we pretend that the loss we endured is not that important.

Your son may be more amendable to hearing that being disappointed would be understandable and that if that is how he feels you would be willing to talk with him about that. Perhaps you could disclose a personal experience where you had your heart set on something and it didn't pan out the way you hoped. Let him know how you handled the situation and developed an alternative course that worked out in your favor.

If you do nothing else, please corral your own emotional overreaction. There is no need for you to become “nervous wrecks.” Dispense with your feelings privately as husband and wife. Your anxiety will only reinforce for your son that he has failed you. Remember, he is the one going to college, not you.
 posted by Jane